A guide to peaceful holiday gatherings during turbulent times
by Page Leggett
Holiday gatherings have always had the potential for drama. But this year looks to be a doozy.
Keeping peace at the holiday table is more of a hot-button issue than I initially imagined. Two etiquette experts I asked to weigh in on the topic did not respond to multiple emails. (A third offered to email her replies, but after seeing my questions said she wouldn’t have time, after all.)
I can’t be sure it was the topic that spooked them. But thankfully, Courtney Savoy is polite and brave enough to go on record. The director of Charlotte’s American Academy of Etiquette & Decorum and author of Etiquette A-Z: The Essential Book of Manners for Adolescents offers simple, practical (and downright lyrical) advice.
For instance: “A family gathering is not a debate stage, but a sanctuary.” And: “Civility is not weakness. It is strength under pressure.”
Hosts, she says, aren’t just setting the table; they’re creating an atmosphere. “Civility,” she says, “is the first course.”
Following are pointers on creating a harmonious gathering of family members — both those likely to wear a red MAGA baseball cap or come dressed in an ACLU T-shirt. (Etiquette experts would surely advise against both.)
Establish ground rules in advance
“A thoughtful host sets the tone,” Savoy says. “Ground rules can be framed not as restrictions, but as a gift to the gathering: ‘We’re here to enjoy each other, so let’s leave politics at the door.’ A host’s role is to create an environment where guests feel safe, respected and able to focus on connection, not conflict.”
Doug Johnston, a Rochester, New York-based leadership consultant and author (Thriving in Conflict: How to Build a Robust Culture of Feedback, among others) calls ground rules “imperative in today’s culture.” His own extended family has implemented a “no-politics rule” for every gathering.
“I think the host sets the ground rules, but I believe anyone can declare a politics-free zone,” he says. He did just that last year in the poker club he’s been a member of for 40 years.
If someone violates the rules and the conversation gets heated, remember: You don’t have to engage.
What obligations does the host have to keep the peace?
“The host is the conductor of the gathering,” Savoy says. “But that doesn’t mean silencing every note of discord. It does mean guiding the energy of the room. Redirect with grace. If tempers rise, shift focus to a toast, a story or a lighthearted question.”
Hosts should also prepare for unpleasant possibilities in advance, Savoy says. Anticipate the worst, in other words, and plan for it.
“A skilled host redirects without embarrassment,” she says. She suggests responding to the offending party with something like: “‘Uncle Tom, let’s revisit that later. Right now, I’d love to hear about your fishing trip.’ The goal is not to scold, but to steer.”
What obligations do guests have to keep the peace?
The host doesn’t shoulder all the responsibility for maintaining decorum.
“Guests share equal responsibility,” Savoy says. “Self-control and respect are the highest forms of etiquette. If you know you cannot refrain from conflict, protect the gathering by excusing yourself entirely. True refinement is knowing when silence serves better than words.”
Both Savoy and Johnston agree: Respectfully declining an invitation — even one from a family member — is acceptable if you think conflict is unavoidable. Johnston follows that advice himself. “If I think there’s potential for rabid politics, I don’t go,” he says. “And if it comes up, I leave the room.”
Of course, you can leave quietly and without disruption.
Monica Guzman, a journalist and daughter of Mexican immigrants with political views different from her own, wrote I Never Thought of It That Way, a guide to having civil discussions in an era in which rudeness seems to rule the day.
“‘I’m not comfortable with this conversation’ can be a great thing to offer when any conversation loses its way,” she writes. Keep that one handy.
And if you do accept an invitation, Savoy says, “Remember: Civility is your gift to the host. Your presence should add harmony, not tension.”
Can everyone peacefully coexist at the table?
People with opposing viewpoints can live in harmony, Savoy insists. But even if your family finds that challenging 364 days out of the year, let Thanksgiving be a time for unity. “The holiday table is rarely the place for rational debate,” she says.
Johnston is less optimistic. He’s found the tried-and-true tools still work in business settings, but not at family gatherings, where the bar for good behavior is lower.
“I wish we could agree to disagree and discuss,” he says, “but I fear we are too divided.”
Savoy, however, says it’s possible “if civility is valued
over persuasion.”
So, don’t head over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house determined to convert her to your side.
Go instead with the intention of creating harmony and expressing gratitude.
“Etiquette does not demand agreement,” Savoy says. “It demands respect.”
And it doesn’t mean you have to acquiesce. “We can acknowledge our differences without weaponizing them,” she adds. But not at the holidays. Save political discussions for later.
And if things start to get tense, Savoy says, remind yourself this: “Family gatherings are about connection, not conversion.”
What can you do for your country? Be kind.
“Resistance” is a word we’ve heard often these past few years. Savoy gives us a different and apolitical way to think about it.
Each time you inject kindness into a situation, refuse to take the bait, maintain calm, change the subject, or look for what unites us rather than what divides us, it’s resisting further division.
“Civility is an act of resistance in a fractured world,” Savoy says. “Choosing calm, measured words when everything around us feels unstable is a strength. True etiquette equips us not just to be polite, but to be anchors of grace when others are adrift.”
The best gift any of us can give ourselves, our families and our society is to put politics aside this holiday season. Being polite, as it happens, is patriotic. SP
Etiquette does not demand agreement. It demands respect. — Courtney Savoy
