Why self-advocacy might be the most underrated mental-health skill
by Juliet Lam Kuehnle
Sometimes self-advocacy can feel risky, aggressive or even selfish. Many of us are people-pleasers, perfectionists or have learned through family dynamics, culture or survival that we must put others’ needs before our own. We may have a fear of being “too much.” We’ve been conditioned to “be nice” and to not make waves. For many people (especially women and caregivers), advocating for themselves feels like a betrayal of the role they’ve always played. These people tend to be so misattuned to their own needs, so overly polite and accommodating, that they lose touch with what they actually want or feel.
This doesn’t mean a person is flawed; it means a protective strategy has been built up over time. Perhaps when they were a child, being agreeable kept them safe or praised. This is how they felt loved, so the nervous system remembers that speaking up may threaten that outcome (even if it doesn’t). Someone can go into fight/flight/freeze mode when they try to speak up because of this perceived risk.
We also live in a society that celebrates busyness and hustling. This leaves us little room to pause and truly ask ourselves, “What do I need right now?” — let alone feel like we have the right to say it out loud.
Juliet Lam Kuehnle, therapist and owner of Sun Counseling Wellness
But the ability to speak up for yourself, set boundaries and ask for what you need is a crucial mental-wellness skill. It directly supports emotional regulation, relationships and long-term well-being. Self-advocacy is the ability to name, own and speak up for your needs while also respecting others. It’s about being in an honest relationship with yourself and the world around you. It’s so much more than just communication; it’s non-negotiable for tending to your mental health.
You’re not alone if you’ve valued keeping the peace at your own expense. But this version of self-abandonment often leads to resentment, burnout, anxiety and disconnection. In service of our long-term mental and emotional health, we have to get better at setting boundaries, honoring our needs and doing things that help regulate our nervous systems, even when it feels uncomfortable.
You are allowed to take up space, whatever that looks like for you. Your boundaries are not burdens. Your needs are not a nuisance. Having needs doesn’t make you needy — it makes you human. Consider what might be possible if you named something you’ve been afraid to ask for. Self-advocacy isn’t self-indulgence. It builds self-worth and makes way for more aligned, genuine connection with others, and with yourself.
Juliet spoke with Alie B. Gorrie, an arts educator and disability advocate who leads workshops here in Charlotte. Below are excerpts from their interview, lightly edited.
How did you get into this work?
Theater was my first love. I was often the only actor who had to ask for accommodations. I have a rare eye disease and am legally blind. There was such a lack of understanding about how to accommodate or if accommodating was even OK. That led to a lot of my work in the disability-justice space.
There must be a lot of self-advocacy in that journey.
Assertiveness does not come naturally to me. I had a teacher that facilitated my own self-advocacy skills. She encouraged me to start talking about my low vision, because she said I’d need to speak up to get my needs met. My teacher saw me missing out on so many opportunities, so she taught me how to say disability. She taught me through a theater tool — a script /a self-advocacy monologue — where I could play that character to be able to discuss it. I continue to teach this tool to young people to this day.
Disability is a stigmatized word. But tell us why that word isn’t bad.
It’s the only club that anybody in this world can join at any time. It doesn’t discriminate. And it’s the largest minority group. The more we avoid the word, we’re avoiding something in ourselves. It’s 20% of our population, and so many disabilities are invisible. We need to stop acting like this doesn’t impact each of us in some way.
What is your experience out in the world? Are people curious or avoidant in addressing disability?
Often they will ask questions once I’ve opened that door. People don’t want to offend or say anything wrong.
What’s an acceptable question for people to ask?
If you’re not disabled, or if you’re just curious, you can ask: “Is there anything I can do to best support you or make this easier?” SP
Juliet Kuehnle is the owner and a therapist at Sun Counseling and Wellness. The full interview of Kuehnle’s “Who You Callin’ Crazy?!” interview featuring Gorrie can be found on Instagram @YepIGoToTherapy or wherever you stream podcasts.
Tips to start practicing self-advocacy:
State your needs out loud, even if it’s just to yourself at first: “I need more time.” “I need space.” “I want Indian food for dinner.” (No need is too small.)
Begin with low-stakes asks. Try it in everyday moments: Ask for help, request a deadline extension, tell the masseuse you need less pressure, send back the wrong food.
Use “I” statements. Say what’s true for you: “I feel overwhelmed when this meeting runs over its scheduled time. Can we end on time today?”
Let discomfort be part of the process. Speaking up might feel awkward. That doesn’t mean you’re in danger; it means you’re learning a new skill and building self-trust.
