Breaking old habits — and forming new ones — is a process.
by Juliet Lam Kuehnle
We’ve all been there: so sure that this is the time we’re finally going to start that new habit — or kick an old one. But somehow, we find ourselves stuck. Why? Because change is hard! The Stages of Change Model, developed by psychologists James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, explains why change doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s a process, and understanding this can help us work with our brains instead of against them.
Our brains like routine and comfort. They crave the familiar, even when what’s familiar isn’t necessarily good for us. That’s why breaking old habits and forming new ones isn’t just about willpower but understanding the psychology behind it. When we recognize what stage of change we’re in, we have a better chance of pinpointing what to do next.
In stage 1, called “precontemplation,” people don’t even realize they need to change. They’re blissfully unaware that there’s a problem or issue, or in full-blown denial. Often in this step, one needs to improve their self-awareness. If you keep running into the same problems, practice some honest, deep self-reflection.
Stage 2 is “contemplation,” where people start to believe there might be a problem. They begin to realize that something needs to change, but they’re still on the fence. They weigh the pros and cons, and while they see the benefits, the effort seems overwhelming. Here, instead of focusing on what you’ll lose, focus on what you’ll gain. Change feels a lot less scary when it’s connected to your values.
Stage 3 is “preparation,” in which we’re more committed to making a change and even actively planning how to do it. Maybe we’re researching, setting goals and gathering supplies. Maybe we even start experiencing small shifts. You absolutely want to give yourself credit for preparing, but don’t get stuck in the “planning trap” where you never actually take action.
Stage 4, “action,” is where the rubber meets the road. You’ve committed, and you’re following through with building habits gradually. Remember here: progress over perfection. Change isn’t instant, and setbacks happen. The key is consistency and continuing to put in the effort.
The last stage, stage 5, is “maintenance,” in which you’ve made the change and stuck with it for a while. It’s starting to feel like a normal part of your life. Keep reinforcing the habits that helped you get here. It can also help to surround yourself with supportive people who keep you accountable.
Of course, there is sometimes a sixth stage of “relapse” where, despite your best efforts, you slide back into old habits. A setback isn’t a failure, it’s just part of the process. You can learn from it, adjust and get back on track.
With change, you can learn to take one step at a time, one choice at a time. Knowing where you are in these stages can help you work smarter, not harder.
Juliet Kuehnle, therapist and owner at Sun Counseling & Wellness
Approach change with more patience, strategy and self-compassion. Instead of giving yourself a hard time for struggling, recognize that struggle as a natural part of the process and keep moving forward. The more you practice a behavior, the easier it becomes. Because of neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to rewire itself), each time you take a step toward change, no matter how small, you’re reinforcing new neural pathways that make the behavior more automatic over time.
Juliet spoke with Mike Gminski, former Duke University/NBA athlete and a basketball analyst who now shares his journey in sobriety. Below are excerpts from their interview, lightly edited.
For a lot of athletes, when they leave college or the professional space, they struggle since their identity has to shift.
When I retired, only 40 players in the history of the NBA had played that long or longer. Only 3,500 players have ever played in the NBA. That’s how small the club is. People’s dreams can end suddenly. I fulfilled all my dreams, but my career was over and I was 34 years old. That’s a lot of life left to live. And your brain is wired to be the best, and all of a sudden, here you are, faced with “what’s next?” You have this life to live and expectations of yourself, and how do you replace that? It’s a real struggle for a lot of guys.
Talk to us about the differences between playing collegiate and professional basketball.
The hardest thing for me was that I was really young. I had just turned 17 when I got to Duke. My age caught up to me in my rookie year in the NBA, playing against grown men. When I got into that new environment, everything seemed to be going really fast. In my third year, it finally slowed down and I felt comfortable.
Let’s pivot to your story around substance use.
I started drinking at 15. Along the way, the athlete in me said, “I don’t need any help.” I went through so much grief and trauma, and I kept drinking because I didn’t know how to cope and didn’t know how to ask for help. People gave me a pass for a couple years after my intense grief. The people around me couldn’t make me do what they wanted me to do desperately … Silence and isolation almost killed me. I won’t remain silent anymore. And I won’t remain in isolation anymore. In 2017, my Duke teammates saw where I was heading and tried to intervene, but I went off the grid for three years. I didn’t want to hear it from the people who were trying to help me. My pride and ego were still in the way. But that intervention in 2017 served a purpose. By me saying to those guys, “I know I have a problem,” served a purpose. Once you say you know, you can’t say you don’t know. Later, when my son compassionately staged an intervention, I was ready.
That’s part of the recipe for healing and sobriety: the relational piece.
All I can do is tell my story and let whoever is listening use it as they will.
What are the top things you’ve gained in sobriety?
Gratitude, humility and being of service. SP
Juliet Kuehnle is the owner and a therapist at Sun Counseling and Wellness. The full interview of Kuehnle’s “Who You Callin’ Crazy?!” featuring Mike Gminski can be found on Instagram @YepIGoToTherapy or wherever you stream podcasts.
Featured image by Corrie Huggins
