Well + wise: Say what?
October 30, 2024
How understanding our communication styles positively impacts our relationships
by Juliet Lam Kuehnle
There’s a sweet spot for communicating effectively, a way of speaking that falls between being passive and being aggressive, and is also not passive-aggressive. For a lot of us, this sweet spot can feel quite uncomfortable if we aren’t used to relating in this way.
Passive communication tends to come from a place of people-pleasing and not wanting to rock the boat. This style of relating is about keeping the peace. It is common for a passive communicator to be either very unaware of their own needs or in the habit of overriding them in order to meet the needs of others. A passive communicator can sometimes feel like a doormat, easily taken advantage of and dismissed by others who are used to them being a “yes” person or not vocalizing opinions or desires.
Aggressive communication is much more demanding and often overbearing. This person tends to steamroll, dominate, and insist on being heard and getting their way. They prioritize their needs and wishes and dismiss those of others. Aggressive communication can include louder speaking volume and intimidating body language.
Passive-aggressive communicators might have awareness of their needs and opinions, but they don’t know how to effectively relay those to others. This style comes across as manipulative or gaslighting, with a heavy dose of silent treatment or snide comments.
Our communication styles are often influenced and formed from our early relationships and attachments. Was it safe for us to express our needs and emotions when we were young? Was healthy communication modeled for us? Were we validated or invalidated? Was our emotional intelligence supported so that we learned to identify what we were feeling?
“The good news, though, is that we can always practice new communication styles and return to a previous experience and seek repair.”
Juliet Kuehnle
We also express ourselves differently based on different dynamics and relationships. For example, the people we’re closest with tend to receive more of our aggressive or passive-aggressive styles. Our mood and self-esteem also influence our ability to communicate directly and assertively. We aren’t expected to be assertive 100% of the time (I’m a therapist, and you can ask my mom if I’m always assertive with her … spoiler alert: of course not!). The good news, though, is that we can always practice new communication styles and return to a previous experience and seek repair.
Assertiveness is a balance of being aware of our needs and respecting those of others. It isn’t accusatory, demanding or confusing but clear, direct and with ownership. Assertiveness includes a lot of “I language” (e.g. “When you leave the dirty dishes in the sink, I feel disrespected and undervalued”). With assertiveness, there is room for both parties’ opinions and desires (e.g. “I’m in the mood for Indian food tonight. Does that work for you?” or “I really don’t feel like going to that restaurant, let’s brainstorm other options”).
Practicing assertiveness starts with getting clear on what is important to us so that we have confidence in relaying our opinions, feelings, wants and needs. Then, we have to learn to trust that we can tolerate the other person’s response, knowing it’s out of our control, and knowing that they have the agency to practice their own assertiveness, as well.
Juliet recently spoke with David Sanchez, therapist and founder of Charlotte Counseling Associates. Below are excerpts from their interview, lightly edited.
You see many intersections of stigma in the population your practice works with (i.e. men, addiction, misunderstanding of problematic sexual behaviors).
I’m most interested in the person underneath the behavior than the behavior or getting caught up in labels. We talk about how the problem developed and where the client wants to go. It might be something you did, but not who you are.
Having a nonjudgmental space is such an antidote for shame. Do you see patterns in the clients you work with?
Many of our male clients have an anxious attachment and don’t want to be rejected or abandoned. “Nice guys” don’t know how to ask for their needs or get these needs met. Maybe they’ve tried to be a hero or a “good boy” and didn’t want to ask for anything. So they may turn to maladaptive coping to soothe their nervous systems. They often need to learn new skills.
You run a men’s assertiveness group. How does this align with your own journey?
A lot of the things I do are because there’s a need but also because I can relate. One thing I’m in recovery for is being a “nice guy.” I can relate to not having boundaries and being a people pleaser. It’s a process to learn boundaries and assertiveness. In our groups, I teach these skills and we role play. It’s not about being perfect, it’s just knowing you can use these skills. And if you don’t use them, you can process why to learn what was keeping you from doing it.
How do you explain to others that it’s OK to seek support?
I myself didn’t get therapy for a long time because I believed that if I did that there was something wrong with me, and I worried the therapist would judge me. If you want to think of it as coaching, that can help. Just like you get a coach at the gym or a financial planner, this is someone else who can help you and you’ll start seeing the benefits in how it supports your work life, relationships and your ability to breathe again. I’ve gone to therapy consistently for the past eight years. It’s a safe place to be myself. There’s something about getting that special attention. A lot of times people have the answers — they just need the space to help process and draw conclusions. SP
Juliet Kuehnle is the owner and a therapist at Sun Counseling and Wellness. The full interview of her conversation with David Sanchez is on Instagram @YepIGoToTherapy or wherever you stream podcasts.
