Well + wise: Anxiety happens
December 23, 2024
But we can learn how to counter the “fight-or-flight” response.
by Juliet Lam Kuehnle | photograph by Corrie Huggins
Anxiety is a universal experience, though it doesn’t manifest the same way for all of us. Some feel anxiety as a flutter of nerves before public speaking, while others encounter it as a constant weight in their chest (it’s me, hi). According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, more than 40 million U.S. adults have an anxiety disorder and about 7% of children 3-17 experience anxiety each year, making it the most common mental-health concern in the U.S. Understanding our relationship with anxiety — the ways we respond to, manage and perceive it — can be a powerful first step toward coping with it in a healthier manner. Shifting our approach from battling anxiety to understanding it makes us better equipped to manage it effectively.
It’s important to remember that anxiety isn’t inherently bad. It’s an automatic response our body uses to protect us. Anytime we perceive a threat, our “fight-or-flight” response kicks in to prepare us for action and to keep us safe. We don’t always need this activated response, yet our bodies can’t tell the difference. If we start recognizing the physical experience of anxiety as a cue our body is giving us, we can approach anxiety with curiosity instead of fear or intimidation. We can ask what it might be telling us and decide whether or not we want to listen. If we remember that just because a thought pops into our head doesn’t mean it’s true, we can decide to challenge an irrational thought or “un-Velcro” an unhelpful one from our mind.
“Our relationship with anxiety is personal, shaped by our life experiences, core beliefs, genetics, brain chemistry and ability to cope.”
Juliet Kuehnle
Our relationship with anxiety is personal, shaped by our life experiences, core beliefs, genetics, brain chemistry and ability to cope. Many of us have an automatic judgment of anxiety that causes us to immediately want to avoid it. And, of course we do! It’s uncomfortable. Others may try to “power through” and ignore or suppress anxious feelings. Still others get mad at themselves for feeling anxious, thinking that it makes them weak. Often, these responses increase the intensity of the anxiety and make us feel as though we can’t trust ourselves with the feeling.
As we begin to view anxiety as a response that we have more agency over than we think, we actually learn to better tolerate it. We can learn to allow ourselves to simply feel whatever comes up, without judgment. We can remind ourselves that it’s temporary — and we can develop skills to move through it.
The most effective skills that counter the “fight-and-flight” response tend to be those that engage the parasympathetic nervous system — also called the “rest-and-digest” response:
- Deep breathing, particularly with a longer exhale than your inhale
- Progressive muscle relaxation: tensing and releasing each muscle group
- Mindful movement like gentle exercise or yoga
- The goal isn’t to completely rid ourselves of anxiety but to change how we relate to it by learning that it doesn’t have to control us.
Juliet spoke with Haley Weaver, a Charlotte native and author of Give Me Space But Don’t Go Far: My Unlikely Friendship With Anxiety. Below are excerpts from their interview, lightly edited.
When did you learn you had a relationship with anxiety?
I always knew, though I didn’t always have the language. In every part of my life, it’s been present. It took me a while to learn it was something I needed to work with and not against. I am learning to foster a loving relationship with this thing I’ve perceived as negative for so long.
You call it a friendship. Why?
I think what’s helped me with my reframing of anxiety is reminding me that at its deepest core, it wants to keep me safe. That feels like a really good friend. Anxiety doesn’t always have the nuance or ability to tell me the fear for me in a way that’s helpful. Sometimes I have to back it up and say, I know you want me to feel safe and feel OK. There are also definitely points — like in any friendship — that can get toxic, but the root is in safety, so I also have empathy for my anxiety.
How do you depict your anxiety in your work?
The way I illustrate my anxiety is a little scribble. I chose this because anxiety feels like a massive tangle that I have to parse through to get what’s at the core instead of just the jumble of thoughts and worries. It’s like a meatball or rain cloud with big giant eyes to convey worry.
What do you hope readers will get from your book?
I want them to feel comforted. I’m not an expert by any means; this is truly just my experience. What I’ve always loved about memoirs is when the author is vulnerable and raw about their experience, so I hope it helps others feel less alone and less ashamed. I also hope readers can imagine their own mental-health team and have a visual structure for what’s going on inside. SP
Juliet Kuehnle is the owner and a therapist at Sun Counseling and Wellness. The full interview featuring Haley Weaver can be found on Instagram @YepIGoToTherapy or wherever you stream podcasts.
